I know my mind and my body very well.
I’ve tested the limits, and I’ve pushed the boundaries of the very extensive and complex spectrum that is my psyche.
I’ve understood and conversed with the demons in my mind so many times, I can now find their doors whenever I need to; knock and they will answer.
I know that if I do decide to interact with these demons, they will always be thrilled and invigorated to take part in the schemes that will ultimately be in my worst interest, but this is something that I have come to learn over the years of living in the dark.
I know that these demons have never had my best interest in mind. They have never looked at me, their eyes black as the depths of the deepest parts of the ocean, and wanted growth or healing; their only agenda was to kill me.
Today I sit here, writing this to you, as I know my limits, my boundaries, my detrimental thoughts that have always tempted me to wander into the shadows of the darkest parts of my inner mind, aware that I am currently sinking further into the hole that I have so often dug many times before.
At this time, sleep has become my escape.
My escape from a world that has become so empty and so hollow.
This world that has so much hate, division, and absolute darkness.
A world that some of us wake up to every single morning, hoping that maybe today will bring us a bit more joy than yesterday did. Maybe today will finally be the day that we have been waiting for, whatever that thing is that we have been holding onto with the small sliver of hope that keeps us going one more day.
People always ask “Are you a morning or a night person?”
And most people would answer with one or the other. For me, I’ve never been one or the other, but both.
I’ve always felt most alive when the rest of the world was sound asleep.
When I was awake, the world around me was not. As they submerged deep into their subconscious, my mind would fill with ideas and creations that begged for attention. Fabrications of raw inspiration and light that spread out like bolts of lightning. Electrifying from one idea to the next; intricate and ever-spreading across the sky, until they finally made a ground connection, as the entire force of a thunderstorm would rage through a single bolt, illuminating the darkness that surrounded it, sending a billion joules of energy directly back into the earth within milliseconds. These immense bursts of power keeping me up late into the night, or waking me up before the sun rose.
But the webs of thought and light eventually fade, and when they do, the darkness overcomes that same sky that was once so bright and full of life.
The demons would awaken and they would begin to ravage my mind once more. Taking over these dead webs of inspiration and poisoning each connection, spawning thoughts that continued to pull me deeper and deeper into the darkness.
A hole that I am so familiar with. The same hole that has dragged me into oblivion of absolute hopelessness so many times before.
And with the hopelessness, comes the motions of going day in and day out of what we call “life.”
People often say “focus on the positive,” “do things that bring you joy.”
But what do you do when you have exhausted all the things that normally bring you joy?
What do you do when you feel the immediate emptiness the second you wake up?
You look for an escape.
You look for whatever can provide you a moment of peace. A moment to breathe and not have to carry the heavy burden that so often feels like a nauseating hole deep within your stomach. To walk around with a mask on, and to face this world with such a dark and burdening weight on your shoulders that nobody can see but you.
And lately, sleep has become my escape.
In the past, alcohol, drugs, parties, dangerous situations, and potentially life-threatening activities were my escape. They brought me adrenaline and shocked these demons to life, giving me a sense of awakening, when in reality, I was dead inside.
Today, I walk with the heavy burden once more, not because I choose to, but because sometimes the mental illness and what comes with it are so overwhelming and so powerful, coupled with the insidious things ravaging throughout this world, force you to find an escape.
Not forever, but for the time being.
It’s ok to sometimes lose ourselves to the dark every now and then. The more often we venture into the shadows, the more aware we become of the thoughts that can harm and kill us, and how to combat them.
We must become familiar with our demons, as they will continue to try and take us whenever we forget the potential they possess to overcome and destroy our precious lives.
Those who tell you otherwise, who say “you should focus on the light and the positive and ignore the dark thoughts,” are right, usually. But sometimes, not often, but sometimes, we all need to take a break and to allow our minds an escape from the onslaught of our daily battles.
The dark shouldn’t be feared, but rather understood and realized that it is only an externally internal force that is nothing more than a storm that rages over a mountain top. And that same mountain top is our foundation. Steady and firm, beneath the war that rages on above us.
The darkness that comes from the storm is just that; a passing force that may seem impossible to battle in the midst of it, but if we are grounded and connected enough to our inner selves, we know and will always remember that it will eventually pass, as will the demons, the darkness, and the pulls that tempt us to listen to the lies and whispers from beyond.
I sleep to escape, for now.
Until the light begins to burn through the dark clouds once more, I will stand firm and wait out the storm, as we all must.
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As always, if you enjoyed this article, please leave a few claps and share it with those who you think could benefit from it.
-Cody
